After breaking it off with my boyfriend I wasn't drinking as much and I started eating better ... and then the calorie counting started. I wanted to lose some weight, seems harmless right? Well my goal was to weigh 125 pounds again. For some absurd reason I thought this was actually attainable since only a few years ago I weighed 120 pounds soaking wet (fresh out of high school with an amazing metabolism) but I sure was determined. I had never counted calories before as I never needed to. I started eating around 1500 calories a day and the weight began to come off. I loved Pepsi but I always drank regular so I switched to drinking diet instead (no sugar). The calorie counting and sugar free pop diet was working! I was amazed at how easy it was to lose weight. People were complimenting me and I felt so amazing. Even though the weight was coming off all I could think about was how much more could I lose? All I cared about was losing weight. I tracked all of my meals and snacks in a calorie counting app. I was so anal about not over consuming my daily calories. I would even turn down a chocolate in the lunch room because I didn't know how many calories was in it. I was depriving myself of the foods that I loved and I didn't even have a legitimate reason. But I felt it was necessary to get down to 120 pounds so I continued on.
Even after my current boyfriend and I moved to Alberta I managed to keep my weight about the same around 130 pounds. I never got down to 120 pounds and I never will. I think the lowest I got down to was about 128 pounds. When I was 128 pounds I randomly got a text from a friend. She was busy at work and all the message said was "Are you okay? My sister in law asked me if you were alright." I messaged back and said that I was fine, but I was very confused and asked why she asked if I was okay. She didn't message me back for hours (way to leave a girl hanging). I thought to myself what could she be talking about? She ended up responding and said that her sister in law asked if I was doing okay, she noticed in my Instagram pictures that I had lost a lot of weight and that I looked sick. These words threw me for a loop. In my head there was nothing wrong with the way I looked and my weight was in the normal range compared to my height. I understand where her sister in-law was coming from because in a rather short period of time I had lost about 30 pounds. I know I shouldn't have taken what she said to heart but I did. We all do it, we take something that people say a little too personally. We let the words of others impact our personal judgments about ourselves. The statement that my friend told me didn't bother me but rather the situation did. Who is to judge what's normal when it comes to another person's body. I've been overweight and very close to being underweight and I just am so sick of giving in to what society deems to be normal when it comes to women's bodies.
We need to normalize our bodies. This can mean a lot of different things. What is normal? Ahh that's the thing. The question is not what is normal it's how do we make our unique bodies normal in today's society. Each person's body is different and we just need to be okay with seeing all different types of bodies. We have all fallen victim to this at some point in our lives. I say fallen as if it still doesn't happen to me but it happens almost everyday. I am still learning to love my body. Sure, I look in the mirror and see things that I would like to change and it's completely normal to have these thoughts. But do you want to know why we all think like this? Years of subliminal messaging persuading us into thinking that our bodies aren't beautiful or normal. Since we were younger these messages were pumped into our heads. We didn't even have a say in the matter or know any better. We were taught this by our parents, our siblings and even our friends. We can't place blame on anyone because these same messages were forced on them as well. But now we know and we have a choice to make.
Body weight affects your mindset and confidence but it does not determine your worth! I'll say that again. Your size does not determine your worth! You need to have a serious heart to heart with yourself. Think of how much time you spend each day looking at yourself in the mirror wishing you were something different than you are now. Now imagine if we spent the same amount of time manifesting positive body messages and normalized our bodies! I see this happen all the time and I've even let this mindset take over me. I thought that somehow I would lose all this weight and that I would become extremely happy and everything would be rainbows and smiles! I seriously thought that my size determined my worth and boy was I WRONG. Even after losing the weight and having that sense of accomplishment I still wasn't understanding that I was no better of a person than I was 30 pounds heavier. I still had emotional trauma that needed to be healed.
We continuously torture the mind with bad thoughts and believe what we are telling ourselves is true. Plot twist! We need to think thoughts of love towards ourselves and only then our minds will start to believe it. The next time you look in the mirror say this mantra out loud. "I am unique, I love my body, I am worthy." Repeat it 3 times. Appreciate and manifest this mantra and remember that the normalization of normal bodies can only start once you learn to love all the uniqueness that comes with your very normal body.
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Xx. The Stressed Out Millennial
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