Everything I did - wasn't right
I got close to someone - they left
It was as if I had a black cloud hanging over my head. If you have read any of my other blog posts you will come to find out that my path a couple years ago was very different than it is now. A lot of factors have contributed to my growth. I feel that it's important to discuss my dark times in order to help others understand that better days are coming.
What does having a black cloud hanging over your head mean? It's an expression often used to describe someone that emotes irritation, disturbance or feelings of misfortune. These feelings of misfortune were something that I felt quite often. It seemed as though nothing was going right for me. I was stuck in a continuous cycle of unfortunate events. Looking back now I can see many reasons as to why the problems that I was facing were reoccurring.
My teacher (who is now one of my closest friends) told me on many occasions that it's as if I had black cloud over my head. Even my Mom said the same thing to me. I had a lot on my plate at the time but I remember a particular series of unfortunate events that created the perfect storm.
My boyfriend at the time and I weren't doing so well. We were at a strange point in our relationship and the only reason the relationship continued was purely convenience. We both couldn't afford rent on our own and we were too comfortable with each other to break it off. We pretty much hated each other but just dealt with it in order to get by. We eventually broke up and I was on the hunt for another place to live (on a super tight budget). I ended up finding a place but turns out the guy I was going to rent off of was a complete crook that screwed me out of $1200. One night I was driving home from work and all the sudden my car made a spooky noise and I had to pull over. I got out and looked at the tire on my car (my grandma's car) and it looked as though I had blown an axle or something. I had no money in the bank but I knew I couldn`t drive my car any further so I was forced to call a tow truck. I hoped that my credit card would go through (I knew it was close to being maxed out). After all of this I still needed to get home and the only person I could call was my ex and his friend to come pick me up. We were still living together at the time even though we had broken up (I highly don't recommend living with your ex). That night I completely broke down. I felt helpless and thought that the world was out to get me. That's the black cloud effect. The following examples impacted the black cloud that hung over my head.
Toxic relationships are a vicious cycle and I had my fair share. The toxicity starts when you are young and unaware of what you're getting yourself into, that relationship ends and you enter another one. You haven't given yourself the time to heal or adjust. You bring unresolved baggage into the new relationship. I wasn`t understanding why my relationships were so messed up. I had an aha moment once I entered my current relationship. The way you value yourself is directly linked to how you will treat the other person in the relationship. I treated myself like sh*t and therefore the relationships I were in (you guessed it) ... were sh*t. I thought that`s what I deserved.
Self-esteem is something that I struggled with and still struggle with. I had many interactions with others that affected my body positivity. I constantly compared myself to others, the way I looked, my weight, my skin, my education and career choices. I truly believed that I had nothing to offer.
Being young and not quite understanding people or situations led to a lot of drama in my life. This made my romantic relationships and friendships very difficult. It also made me feel bad about myself. I lacked empathy towards others. It was all a game to me. I wanted attention and I didn't care who I hurt along the way. I wasn't empathetic and I was cruel to others. I would say things without thinking and regretted it after but only if it affected me directly.
Looking back at the definition of black cloud it all makes perfect sense why the events in my life were unraveling the way that they did. I fully believed the feelings of misfortune in my life. The energy that I was emitting at that time was very dark, negative and immature. I was always wanting something and not giving anything back to the Universe. Now I focus on myself. I care for others but I know that my happiness is the most important. I enjoy making others happy without seeking some type of reward in return. The reward is within the task it's self. The energy that I am projecting now has shifted from negative to positive. Mind you I have my bad days but we all do. My process is long from over but I notice that I have a lot more good days than bad. I am manifesting my wishes and things are starting to come together. The black cloud is disappearing and bright and sunny days are coming!
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Xx. The Stressed Out Millennial
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